I take back all my praise for Stefan Schumacher and his breakaways and stage wins. Because, guess what? He tested positive for EPO! Natch.

And there's even bigger news! Bernard Kohl tested positive for CERA! Bernard Kohl, you may recall, was third in the general classification and first in the King of the Mountains competition. If the results are verified (and let's not kid ourselves, they will be), Denis Menchov will be the new third place finisher in the general classification and Carlos Sastre, who won the Tour, will also be the winner of the King of the Mountains competition.

I know it's been said many times many ways, but: STOP TAKING DRUGS YOU FUCKING IDIOTS. DRUGS AM BAD FOR CYCLISTS, KTHXBAI.

The 2008 Tour de France finally gets to Paris.

The winners:



Carlos Sastre, Cadel Evans, and Bernhard Kohl (who also won the King of the Mountains competition)

The traditional celebration:



Sastre enjoys his champagne.

Young riders competition goes to Andy Schleck (\o/) and sprinters competition goes to Oscar Freire, with my pick Thor Hushovd in 2nd.

We now return to your regularly-scheduled, non-cycling programming.

CSC really knocked it out of the park this year. After today's individual time trial, the final podium in Paris, barring any unforeseen weirdness on the ride onto the Champs-Élysées, will be Carlos Sastre, Cadel Evans, and Bernhard Kohl. And, amazingly, time trial champion Fabian Cancellara didn't win the stage today. He was actually bested by Stefan Schumacher, who's been in breakaways like every day EVER of this Tour. Well done, Stefan! And and! Andy Schleck wins the best young rider jersey! That is awesome. I think the Schleck brothers are adorable, and I just wish Frank Schleck could have done a little better than 6th place in the GC, considering he was actually in yellow for awhile and everything.



Frank and Andy Schleck, being adorable.

So long as he finishes the race, Bernhard Kohl has the King of the Mountains competition locked up. Now, let's see, points competition....

Okay, right now Oscar Freire has 244 points, Erik Zabel has 202, and Thor Hushovd (the guy I want to WIN) has 198. Now we just have to figure out how many points are up for grabs on the ride into Paris. Which is harder than you'd think, grr. *researches frantically* Okay. As far as I can determine, there are 47 points up for grabs, so theoretically, either Zabel or Hushovd could still win it, so long as they came first in all the sprints and Freire didn't get anymore points. Which is unlikely. So, we may see Zabel and Hushovd change places, but I think Freire pretty much has it.

Anyway, so ends a relatively boring Tour, wrapping up tomorrow in Paris with champagne all around. Thanks to VeloNews' Live Update Guys for making it more interesting than it had any right to be.

*hearts VeloNews liek whoa* They're managing to make this whole doping thing much less depressing and actually slightly funny. They may have gone a bit crazy as well, but I say more power to them.

VeloNews' Live Update Guy posts this:

12:45 PM: Our apologies
Many of you may have had difficulty in reaching VeloNews.com yesterday, following Carlos Sastre's stage win atop L'Alpe d'Huez. We have received a detailed explanation from our server provider, regarding the technical issues that cropped up, partially due to the heavy demands generated by one of the most interesting stages in the Tour de France.

There were technical issues and those have been corrected... but the Live Update Guys have also found a developing scandal involving the very core of our computer network, the creature you know as Herbie the Hamster. More on that as the story develops.

Followed by this:

01:03 PM: Yesterday's technical issues
While our server issues have been resolved, the Live Update Crew appears to have found another reason for the problem.

Ever the self-appointed anti-doping crusader, Charles Pelkey, our Senior Live Update Guy - we call him "SLUG" - discovered a suspicious link between Herbie the Hamster and a Milan-based veterinarian, Doctor Michele "Mickey" Lamborghini. The SLUG has demanded Herbie's blood profiles, results of which will be made available later today.

Next we have:

01:34 PM: More on Herbie
It appears that our problems yesterday were, indeed, rooted in SLUG's suspicions about our Hamster's relationship with the mysterious Dr. Lamborghini. Right after the conclusion of yesterday's stage, testers showed up at our server farm, looking for samples. Herbie, forewarned of the tests, apparently scampered out of his wheel, leaving a text message that he was training in Mexico.

We don't blame Herbie... we blame SLUG.

And then they start posting text messages from "Herbie":

03:10 PM: Meanwhile ...
To bring you up to speed, Herbie the Hamster, the power source for the VeloNews.com web site, disappeared suspiciously, soon after yesterday's stage, leading to a server crash.

Herbie has been in touch with SLUG, the Senior Live Update Guy, via text message. His tone is becoming closer to confessional.

"LOOK," he texted. "im not admitting nothing, but u dont no the pressure we are under. if you think we can power 1 mill page views on water and crackers, ur crazy. I mean, lol."

This is now my explanation for every computer problem ever. If someone calls and says there's something wrong with their computer (particularly people I don't like), I'm going to tell them the hamster that runs their computer had to be removed on suspicion of doping, and we'll have the test results back in a couple weeks. (The sad thing is, I can think of a couple people who would believe me.) Then I could replace their computer with an Etch A Sketch, a la Dilbert's Pointy Haired Boss. *ponders this idea with increasing glee* I'll be generous and let the people who want dual monitors have two Etch A Sketches. Because I'm nice like that.

From VeloNews' Live Update Guy:

03:32 PM: More news from Saunier Duval
Leonardo Piepoli has been fired from the Saunier Duval team for a "violation of team's ethical code." We may assume that the results of his tests won't be all that good, either.

Sigh.

And so it goes.

Shit. He's going to lose his stage win.

Also, "[t]he title sponsor of the Saunier Duval cycling team announced today that it has ended its support of the team."

I think my next post is going to be a picspam of hot guys who are in no way related to cycling. I forgot to upload new pictures of my cat, but maybe I'll post some old ones of her as well. Hot guys. Cute fluffy kitties. No one who's on drugs.

ETA: Dude. He's been ARRESTED. From the Live Update Guy:

05:18 PM: Cobra venom?
It appears that Ricardo Rico has been formally arrested on the charge of "using poisonous substances," a part of France's anti-sporting fraud law. The penalty is pretty heavy, too. He could face up to five years in a French prison.

Having covered the Festina scandal in 1998, we can assure you those are not pleasant places to be.

Wow.

Riccardo Ricco tests positive; Saunier Duval team withdraws from Tour de France

French anti-doping authorities and Saunier Duval team officials confirmed Thursday that Italian climbing sensation Ricardo Ricco (Saunier Duval) has tested positive for the blood booster erythropoietin (EPO).

Informed of the positive just an hour before the start of Thursday’s 12th stage of the Tour de France, Ricco was taken by gendarmes to a local police station for questioning. Within minutes of Ricco’s departure, his entire team voluntarily withdrew from the Tour.

You know, I've been joking with Daddy for the last couple of days, ever since Ricco's breakaway win in stage 9 on Sunday, that I gave it 3 days before he was ejected for doping. Joking. We were joking about it last night at dinner. We (jokingly) agreed last night at dinner that we wouldn't count Tuesday's rest day, so it would be three days of actual racing. Well. Here we are. I didn't really think it was true, and I didn't so much call it as, I don't know, vaguely wonder about it, since his breakaway win was somewhat similar to Landis' breakaway win last year. And since it seems like, over the last few years, anyone who's doing well in the Tour gets ejected for doping a few days later (a la Rasmussen).

And you know what? I bet they take away Piepoli and Cobo's *adorable* win from stage 10, even though they haven't tested positive for doping. Because their team withdrew, so the whole team is tainted, and it'll be just like Astana, and the Tour organisers are shitheads.

It shakes up the Tour standings quite a bit to have the whole team withdraw, as VeloNews' Live Update Guy explains:

01:30 PM: Off they go
the peloton is on route, albeit without the company of Riccardo Ricco, Juan Jose Cobo, David De La Fuente, Josep Jufre Pou and Leonardo Piepoli.

Ricco was leading in the best young rider competition, while he and De la Fuente held the top two spots in the KOM contest. As a result, Sebastian Lang (Gerolsteiner) now leads the KOM with 57 points and Vincenzo Nibali (Liquigas) is now the Tour's best young rider. Helluva way to shake up those standings, eh?

And I think the Live Update Guy is pissed:

01:33 PM: At 8km
we see another dig, with six riders off the front of the field by about 30 seconds. We have yet to get IDs... although we're pretty darn sure none of them is wearing a Saunier Duval jersey.

Somebody asks what will happen with Ricco's two stage wins. Well:

At some point in the process, the second-placed rider would be awarded the stage win, at least for the record books. We don't think we are getting too far ahead of ourselves to bring this up ... So in stage 6, Alejandro Valverde was second behind Ricco, and in stage 9, Vladimir Efimkin was second.

Now, it will get a bit more dramatic if Ricco's teammates Piepoli and Cobo are implicated directly. They were one-two on stage 10 atop the Hautacam, with Frank Schleck the first non-Saunier Duval rider to cross the line.

Dude. I didn't even think about that. Frank Schleck is trailing Cadel Evans by one second in the GC competition. Of course, no time bonuses this year (thank you so much, Christian Prudhomme), so I guess that wouldn't matter. Still, he'd get the stage win.

I am well and truly on my way to hating this race.

From VeloNews:

On a disappointing note, the peloton will have one less rider today, as Barloworld's Moises Duenas has been pulled from the Tour de France after a urine sample provided after stage 4 showed signs of (what else?) EPO.

Would you all please STOP TAKING DRUGS!? I don't even care about Moises Duenas, whom I'd never heard of before this VeloNews report. It's just--every rider I care about keeps getting bumped from the Tour because of drugs, and I wish they'd all just LEARN already. There's a long list of people who aren't in the Tour this year, who should be, and I'm finding it very hard to care about Cadel Evans and Alejandro Valverde and whoever the hell else is in the running for the GC. I thought I was going to care about the points competition because, you know, Thor Hushovd, but it doesn't even seem like he's competing for it. So this continues to be the most boring Tour EVAR.

Because I am in a very bad mood, here is a very pretty picspam of people who should be in the Tour and aren't:

( Remember these guys? They're actually interesting! )

Okay, I'm enjoying the pretty, but now I'm really depressed. *sigh*

This year, instead of monitoring the Tour flashes on the Versus website, I'm monitoring it on VeloNews. This is clearly an awesome switch, because VeloNews provides you with actual *useful* information, and is also pretty snarky. For example, today they told us what the actual prizes for the jersey winners are:

02:27 PM: Prize money
We get frequent questions about prizes at the Tour.

Here's a quick summary:
Yellow jersey - 450,000 euros (about $690,000)
Green (points) jersey - 25,000 euros (about $37,500)
Polka dot (KOM) jersey - 25,000 euros (about $37,500)
White (young rider) jersey - 20,000 euros (about $29,500)

The most aggressive rider, too, is awarded an overall prize of 20,000 euros (about $29,500).

Stage winners earn 8000 euros.

Dude. I wonder if it's considered *proper* to donate some or all of your prize money to charity?

In the vein of snarky, VeloNews answers a reader question:

02:32 PM: Reader question
Neil from Wisconsin writes

What is the general feeling there about Rico's stage win yesterday? Should we expect another Vino/Landis catastrophe?

Man Neil, we sure hope not. Ricco is under scrutiny anyway, according to a couple of French newspapers. The Tour shouldn't have to go through that again. We hope that in his idolization of Marco Pantani, Mr. Ricco opts to select carefully from the list of characteristics he cares to emulate, eh?

Um, yeah. It would probably be a good idea if he chose not to emulate Pantani's death from acute cocaine poisoning.

Also, ha:

03:15 PM: Speaking of money
We mentioned prize money earlier. There is a special prize to offered to the rider who summits the Tourmalet first today. Of course there are climbing points, but there is also the Jacques Godet prize of 5000 euros (about a million-billion dollars if our devaluation continues at its current speed) in honor of cresting the high point of this Tour de France stage.

They're really in a snarky mood today.

And Cadel Evans moves into the yellow jersey by one second. Take that, Robbie McEwan! (And while we're at it, shut up.)

According to VeloNews:

A new rule for the 2008 Tour: Rider IDs on splits in the group are not announced until the gap(s) reaches 30 seconds.
Which makes it, um, hard to ID some of these riders.

Gee, ya think? Thank you so much, Christian Prudhomme. It's so much more fun to have NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON. Anything could be happening! But probably nothing is! It's so exciting!

In similar news, Fat Cyclist writes a letter to Christian Prudhomme and the ASO about the oh-so-awesome changes they've made to this year's Tour:

I can see, Mr. Prudhomme, that you have been working overtime to bring us a Tour unlike anything we have ever seen before. A Tour that defines the premier road racing event on its own terms. A Tour that takes charge of the racers, rather than letting the racers take charge of the race. A Tour that clamps down on excess and eliminates rash behavior. A Tour with dignity above all.

A Tour, in short, that looks and feels as if it were produced by America’s Public Broadcasting System and moderated by Jim Lehrer.

[...]

Your zeal for reducing the unnecessary excitement that normally surrounds this race is admirable, Mr. Prudhomme, but I think there’s more that can be done to design a Tour de France that will — at long last — let the citizens of France (and other countries, though I do not necessarily approve of the TdF ever exiting France or even approaching its borders) be able to have some peace and quiet, even as the cyclists pedal by.

He then lists some of the things Prudhomme has done "right," including no prologue, no time bonuses ("In times past, I’ve seen racers duke it out at the top of a brutal climbing stage because finishing a quarter second ahead had a huge strategic benefit: a significant time bonus that could change race standings. Sure, it was exciting and a massive motivational tool to make contending racers really give it their all, but it sent the wrong message to the kids. You can’t give people time. Once a moment’s passed, it’s gone forever. Live with it."), shorter stages (clearly the only reason riders dope is because the stages are too long!), no team time trials, and fewer mountain stages ("I’ve always thought that mountain stages are too dramatic and disorderly. Plus, they’re not fair to people who don’t climb well. I’m glad to see that you’ve cut these stages back. Let’s keep the riders together. Nice and orderly please. Single-file when possible.").

Yes, thank you, Mr. Prudhomme, for doing so much to reduce the race to a boring travelogue of France.

Oh, and while I'm at it, SHUT UP, Craig Hummer. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter. (Really, I never believed Versus could produce an announcer who was more annoying than Bob Roll.)

My long-shot GC hopeful, Mauricio Soler of Barloworld, abandoned at the 12 km mark of Stage 5 today. He broke his wrist in a crash in Stage 1 and has been hurting ever since. Apparently he had been hoping that yesterday's time trial would give him a chance to recover a bit (yeah, racing a time trial can be considered a recovery day in the Tour de France), but it didn't really help enough.

I don't know where the hell Robbie McEwan has been this year. He wasn't even in the top 10 of the points classification at the beginning of this stage. Not that I'm complaining or anything, as I'd be perfectly happy if I never had to see Robbie McEwan again. And the guy I want to win the points classification, Thor Hushovd, was in 2nd at the beginning of the stage. He's behind Kim Kirchen, who's not really considered a sprinter, so right now Thor is basically winning, with no Robbie McEwan in sight. \o/ (Robbie McEwan's team is focusing on supporting their GC contender, Cadel Evans, which may be part of his problem. Boohoo.)

And Mark Cavendish of Team Columbia pulls out the win for the stage! Awesome.

Image used under a Creative Commons license from adambowie.

Tom Boonen tests positive for cocaine and is out of the Tour de France.

He won't face suspension, since the positive test was not during a competition, and cocaine is only a banned substance during competition. He will probably face criminal charges: "under Belgian law, Boonen could face between three months and five years in prison and a fine of up to 100,000 euros (155,000 dollars) for using cocaine." (Though, being Tom Boonen, rock star of Belgium, he'll probably just get the fine and no jail time.) He's not going to be allowed to compete in the Tour this year because, apparently, all the teams signed some kind of "good-conduct charter" which "stipulates that each team participating in the Tour gives their commitment not to field a rider who could damage the image of the race."

Seriously, Tom. How could you do this? Now I'm going to have to watch Robbie fucking McEwan win the points competition! Do you realize how traumatic that will be? I might end up kicking my TV in!

Christ, the Tour this year is going to be so gorram boring. Now the only reason I have to give a damn about the points classification is the vain hope that Thor Hushovd can beat Robbie McEwan. There will be no Tom Boonen looking really pretty and giving adorable interviews and bitchslapping Robbie McEwan. Astana is banned, so no Contador and no Leipheimer in the GC. Slipstream will be there, but we all know Zabriskie will break his collarbone or something in the third stage, just like he always does. High Road will be there, so there's Hincapie, at least. I suppose I can spend time mocking his inability to say a complete sentence without using the word "uh" 14 times. Barloworld is back, and they pretty much rocked last year. Still it's a weak field. According to this Wikipedia article, the riders with the greatest chance of winning the GC are Cadel Evans, Denis Menchov, Carlos Sastre, and Alejandro Valverde. Mauricio Soler of Barloworld is in the top ten of likely contenders, which is awesome, but still shows how weak the field is overall. Barloworld isn't even a pro-tour team. However, since I don't give a shit about any of the other people in the likely GC contenders, and Soler was pretty cool last year, I suppose I'll root for him this year.

There. My 2008 Tour de France hopes rest on Mauricio Soler and Thor Hushovd. Hooray.

Image used under a Creative Commons license from Cindy Trossaert.

This is going to be image heavy, so I'll put it behind a cut. ( 2008 Paris-Nice, Tirreno-Adriatico, and Tour de France; squeeing about Tom Boonen; and yet more complaining about Slipstream's race kit )

So, they're racing Paris-Nice right now. And apparently the weather is terrible, so they have to keep moving the start locations of the stages. And the UCI and ASO are fighting, so riders that race Paris-Nice may end up kicked out of the Tour de France. And on top of all that, look at the horrible kit Team Slipstream-Chipotle has to wear:



This is Christian Vande-Velde racing in Stage 1. Wearing ARGYLE LEG WARMERS.

THE HORROR.